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| | #7031 | | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
Clothes:
Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
| | | #7032 | | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
Trust:
The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
Driving:
A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
price their policies accordingly.
A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
her makeup.
| | | #7033 | | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
| | | #7034 | | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
Going Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
| | | #7035 | | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the laundromat. This is a myth.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
| | | #7036 | | Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"What happened?"
"I was struck by the beauty of the place."
| | | #7037 | | Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
| | | #7038 | | FROM THE DESK OF
Rapunzel
Dear Prince:
Use ladder tonight -- you're splitting my ends.
| | | #7039 | | Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
old girl friend.
| | | #7040 | | -- Gifts for Men --
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should
never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they
will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average
man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him
a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than
once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
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